دشت

Some experiences seem to be horrifying, yet in itself it brings about so much peace.
I had no idea that such dramatic life shortening experience could end up to serve my best interest. Something I could never imagine to do on my own was done for me.. by default.
Perhaps, we do call for experiences, and as scary as it seemed prior hand, I'm quite happy with the end results.
Was I real? was it really me missing him? Was I playing? Did I win? Did I not care at all, and only cared for the play? Was it the competition that interested me, and not the relationship?

Couple of Observations:
My point was, if you play, I play harder. I don't want 'you' to hurt me, I'll do that myself. I don't want it to be you. I don't want anyone else to do the hurt. I can do that myself, and take credit for it.
I could make him embarrassed, and sorry of his own deeds, but did I really care if he did that? or he felt that? Do I enjoy making people feel embarrassed, even if they should? even if I think they deserve to? Do I even care about embarrassment?
Some people make you do something in reality, and they keep telling you that they want you to do the reverse. When words and actions work in opposite directions, and contradiction comes to play, what is the underlying process? He wanted me to do that. He wanted me to go after him. He wanted me to want him..

How far am I willing to go?
Would I stop?